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Harper to outsource human Canadians
To avoid the ramifications of a nuclear holocaust, severe global warming, or any other world-wide catastrophe – human consciousness will be conceived into computer circuits by the year 2100, Prime...
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Putting the skids on toilet paper advertising
Photo credit: Calgary Reviews (flickr) CANADA—Canadians, tired of being misled, are demanding truth in toilet paper advertising. Led by a group calling itself WIPE OUT LIES, angry citizens have had...
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Insider reveals true reason for budget delay
OTTAWA—“I know Joe Oliver is saying that it’s about oil prices, but the truth is that we just don’t have enough paper on hand,” said a source inside the Conservative caucus, who prefers to remain...
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Farewell to February
Photo credit: The City of Toronto (flickr)TORONTO—February has been the cruelest month for residents of Eastern Canada. Record-breaking cold temperatures, chart-topping snowfall and storms galore made...
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Extremely harsh winter caused by awkward man's prayer for something to talk...
HAMILTON—A local man is claiming the extremely harsh winter is a result of his prayers for God to help him with small talk.“The weather hasn’t been an acceptable topic for small talk in years,”...
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Spring Break makes parents yearn for a return to work
Photo: Reg Natarajan, flickr.Richmond, B.C.—After spending a week off with their teenagers, Vancouver-area parents Kamal and Nisha Dhaliwal are relieved to be heading back to work. “They’re such...
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Canada to send "Non Combat" troops to Ukraine
Photo: Jamie McCaffrey (flickr). Sources in the Canadian military have confirmed that Canada will be sending troops to Ukraine in a “non-combative” role.Canadian troops will be joining U.S. troops...
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Man defies adage by kicking the bucket before paying taxes
Mr. Anderson addresses the Tax Court of Canada (Photo: Haroldo Ferrary (flickr) CC-BY-SA 2.0)In this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes.-Benjamin FranklinCALGARY—Herman...
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Pan Am shirt debacle dubbed (Water) Polo-Gate
Early warning sign: Test models of Joe Fresh's polo shirts were discovered to be water soluble.(Photo: Grégoire Lannoy, flickr, CC-BY-20)TORONTO—Ahead of the Pan Am games, Joe Fresh will need to give...
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Maple Leafs expect new coach Mike Babcock to shave at least 5 strokes off...
TORONTO—The Toronto Maple Leafs today announced that Mike Babcock will become the 30th Head Coach in team history.“Mike will take this team where it hasn’t been since 1967—the fairway,” proclaimed MLSE...
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Competition Bureau investigating “Contractor for the Afterlife”
Photo: Tony Alter (CC BY-20)A local builder is claiming harassment by the federal government after his business was contacted by investigators from the Competition Bureau, an independent law...
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Presidential Candidate Scott Walker Proposes U.S. - Canada Wall
Illustration: DonkeyHotey (CC BY 2.0)Wisconsin Governor and Presidential Candidate Scott Walker has proposed a wall, similar to that proposed across the U.S.-Mexican border, be constructed between...
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Man excercises democratic right, votes Hawaiian over Pepperoni
Credit: Calliope, flickr. OTTAWA—Earlier today, 20 year old Jeff Ranson expressed his desire for real change by voting for Hawaiian pizza over Pepperoni.“Some say voting doesn’t matter,” admitted Jeff....
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89% of public servants deleted Stephen Harper 'farewell' letter without...
Photo: Heather (flickr). A senior employee at Shared Services Canada has revealed that of all public servants who have their email hosted by SSC, only a fraction bothered to open the farewell message...
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Mooseclean’s gets first look at extended census
Photo: Statistics CanadaOTTAWA—The new Liberal government announced the reinstatement of the long-form census shortly after taking office. Nixed in 2010, the 61-question form is seen as invasive by...
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P.E.I. man ticketed for texting while driving...in his driveway
Image: CBCFirst, it was a man driving through a Tim Horton’s early in the morning to get his daily coffee in Beaumont, Alberta when he was stopped and ticketed by police for texting while driving.Now,...
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Canadian military retreats from Islamic State
Image: DonkeyHotey (CC BY 2.0)Canada's Prime Minister Justin Trudeau announced on Monday that the Canadian military prescence in Iraq and Syria will retreat from the Islamic State effective Feb. 22,...
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Trudeau grants Osama Bin Laden Canadian citizenship postmortem
Photo: Alex Guibord, flickr (CC BY 2.0)"This is a great day of Canada as we begin a new era of positivity," beamed Canadian Prime Minister Justin Trudeau as he granted Osama Bin Laden Canadian...
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Pot to stay on the streets illegally ahead of proposed new regulations
Photo: Alex Guibord, flickr (CC BY 2.0)Despite a recent warning from Canada's toke-friendly prime minister that marijuana will continue to be illegal in this country until a strong regulatory framework...
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Best Canadian Olympics Ever?
After a couple or weeks in Rio, the Canadian Olympic Team enjoyed great success. The team finished tenth in the medal standings, including four Gold. We had some great contributors with great futures...
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